Compiled by Modupe Fadiaro
It’s always a pleasure when I surround myself with sound minds that are hungry for knowledge.
Trust me when I say that the world awaits your manifestation.
But I often advice people not to detonate prematurely because of not having enough information about the world we live in. Hence, learning arms you before the challenges come.How many of us are ready for tonight’s session on EMOTIONAL REACTION?
Tonight’s session will be expository and seeks to enlighten everyone on emotional intelligence
Emotional Intelligence is a broad topic with so many branches under it…For instance, we have emotional intelligence in the work place, emotional intelligence in our marriage, emotional intelligence in religion….Still under Emotional Intelligence, we have cultural intelligence, conflict management, people management and performance, customer experience, etc.
I mean, EI is like a tree with so many branches and obliviously, we can’t go over all the branches of emotional intelligence tonight but I will try my best to teach us the structure of emotional intelligence because when you understand the structure of a thing, you can tweak it and remodel it to however you like.But still, I will touch some of these branches of emotional intelligence so we can effectively use this tool to our full advantage.However, I will dwell more on Emotional reaction.
In this class, I will try as much as I can to be practical and less theoretical.
Basically, emotional intelligence is how intelligent we are about our emotions, understanding the effects to both ourselves and that of the people around us.Lastly, understanding other peoples emotions in order to create a healthy environment for a long term relationship..
This might sound a little bit complicated…Let me break it down.EI is the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions
and to handle interpersonal relationship judiciously and impersonally.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
It is your ability to *respond* to the emotions people give to you rather than to *react* to it.
People project a particular state of emotion to us and because we have that emotion is us, we project it back to them..
Everything is state dependent.
Anger is state dependent, depression, anxiety, whatever emotion at all is state dependent and we can choose to be in any state we want to but most times, the state we get into is the state that we see available to us..
Some of us get panicky in situations of anxiety or get enraged at the other person’s behaviour.This shows our low emotional intelligence
One symptom of high emotional intelligence is delayed gratification.In Psychology Delayed gratification, or deferred gratification, is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward.
Generally, delayed gratification is associated with resisting a smaller but more immediate reward in order to receive a larger or more enduring reward later.The ability to wait; acting at the right time rather than the most tempting time.
Don’t act impulsely.
“Don’t promise when you’re happy, Don’t reply when you’re angry, and don’t decide when you’re sad.”
You’ll regret the decisions later, finding them to be too senile and mad.
And you’ll regret the promises, finding that you, in fact, promised more than you could deliver.
You’ll regret doing either, so don’t.
Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us.The problem is that these *reactions* might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
*Why would we want to make things worse?*
The truth is, we often react without thinking.
It’s a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not the most rational or appropriate way to act.
Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, judgement, cooperation, etc.
People with high EI are really good listeners.
No matter what kind of situation they’re in, they always seem to know just what to say and how to say it, so that we’re not offended or upset.Your WORDS, ATTITUDE and ACTIONS are powerful tools you can use to shape your life.We must learn:
WHAT TO SAY AT EVERY POINT IN TIME.
HOW TO SAY IT and WHEN TO SAY IT.
This is very important.
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”“The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness”When we say the right thing at the wrong time, It shows Low EI.
You can say the right thing with the wrong attitude – It also shows Low EI
It was Les Brown that said “the moment you open your mouth you tell the world who you are”.
You must choose your words correctly.
So, I said earlier that anger is state dependent.
Let me make it more explicit.
So when a client get’s angry at us and raise their voice, we have the decision to either raise our voices, become a savage, or respond to them in a different manner that will invite them into your own positive emotional state..When you portray the opposite emotion of the emotion projected to you, the person that projected the emotion to you gets confused. Sometimes they feel stupid and they come into your own state of emotion.
Let me explain how this works…
The emotional state that an person projects to you is anger.
If you react with anger, you have accepted the projection, guess what?
You’ll project that back to the person, instead respond to their emotion with the opposite emotion which is kindness
They’ll think about it and accept your invitation to come into your state and everything will end on a lighter note.
This is where conflict management comes into play. The more we get better at emotional intelligence, the stronger we become in managing conflict.
Conflict management is a necessary tool to have in your arsenal.
We can either respond or react to the emotions people project on us. The best decision is to respond to it in a way that will make the problem at hand to be under control.
Stay with me…
This is about to get more interesting..
We should all understand that people do the best they can with the resources at their disposal.Everything is a resource. Even our emotions.
That means, people do the best they can with the emotions at their disposal.
For instance, you might get into a complication with a client. And what caused it might be something minor. Something that is very insignificant but we get to find out that this person in question got really angry and you ask yourself.Why on earth is this person angry?
Because that is the best response the person could give to that situation at the moment. People do the best they can with they know. If they know better, they will do better.
People respond to challenges differently. Some people are not as emotional intelligent as you are so when they get into situations like that, you employ empathy.
Empathy tells you that the emotion the other person is feeling is valid.
You have to develop the ability to feel what the other person is feeling.
You need to learn to put yourself in the other persons shoes, see life from their perspective.
Understand what they are feeling in a big and meaningful way.With that being said, I need us to understand that the customer is not always right, yes, but their emotions are always right so when we are dealing with them, we should not deal with the effect of their emotion but instead, we should deal with the emotion itself.Effects of emotions can be “shouting, crying, feeling sad, disappointed, etc” but instead we should deal with the reason for these effects which are the emotions.
If you want to go deeper, you will have to deal with the reason for the emotions and not even the emotion itself.Are you following?
Why did customer A shout at me?
Okay… She is angry…
Hnmmmm why is she angry?
Maybe because she is having a bad day and she is looking for how she can vent her anger anger. Or she has challenges at home. Well, she is doing the best she can to manage this situation.Or…
Is she having challenges with the Job done and she doesn’t like it?
Okay. Let me take this her anger as a feedback so that next time I can do the job based on the specification she gave to me. Learn how to take the emotions people project to you as feedback so you can relate with them more intelligently in the future.
What you are doing here is creating positive and empowering assumptions and also, you are taking feedback in order to improve for future endeavors.It is better and easier to solve a behavioral problem when you deal with the motivation behind the problem itself rather than the actual problem.
If you want to make any change, be it organizational or behavioral, it is the structure you will change. When you understand the structure, change will be much easier.You might be asking. How can I deal with a very annoying client or person. I am not skilled in understanding human behavior so how can I solve this challenge?
First of all, you need to respect their model of the world. You need to respect their emotion. You don’t have to accept it but you have to respect it.
This is where cultural intelligence comes to play. Your ability to respect other peoples cultures, values, beliefs and religious or political standing without accepting it but respecting it in such a way that you can use the understanding of their model of the world to interact with them with *empathy and understanding.*People disagree a lot because they don’t respect other peoples model of the world. We all want respect and when we don’t get it, conflict erupt.
Christian and Muslims fight a lot because most Christians don’t respect the model and ideology of Muslims and Vice versa.
When someone is saying something that is not right to you, that doesn’t mean that the person is wrong. Even if it sounds stupid and wrong to you the person is still right.
The reason why it is wrong or sounds wrong to you is because you both are seeing the issue or problem from different perspectives.
When people get into disagreements, what they are disagreeing about is “perception” and not the problem itself.
So how do you make people see things from your point of view?First of all, you respect their point of view then you make them see things from your point of view using the *agreement frame*.
The agreement frame states that, in a sentence, instead of using “and” you use “but”.
Let me explain this..
When you use “but” after a sentence, the “but” negates everything you are saying.
So for instance. You and someone are having a discuss and you say “what you said here is correct but…..” that but makes your first statement to not be true and makes anything you say after it useless.
So instead of saying “but”, you say “and also” or “and I think”..
Let’s take an example..
Instead of saying “what you said here is correct but…..” you can instead say ““what you said here is correct and also, let me add to what your point” or, “I totally agree with this perception you brought to my awareness, and also, I think we should also consider this too”
Or you can question their perception to get more clarity…
You can say… “Wow! This is is really phenomenal. I think I am beginning to come to a new level of understanding. Can you kindly buttress more on this? I have something new to learn here”…
This will show that you are interested in what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree with it but it will help in avoiding conflict.
When they are done explaining their point, you can they say… “Hnmmmmm… I think I am loving this. Let me quickly add to what you just said….”
Then you go ahead and explain your point to the person…
You see how this works, when we do this, most of the argument we have with people especially here on WhatsApp will reduce.
This goes way beyond emotional intelligence. This is conflict management.
We also need to understand that emotional intelligence is much more than understanding emotions to solve or avoid problems. It is also understanding how to buy into peoples emotions in order to win their heart or make them become resourceful in your arsenal for future purposes.This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on.
There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.
This is where I draw the curtains for this class.
Thank you for your audience.
Hope the class was useful to you. Do let me know.Kindly drop your questions/ contributions below.